Bsquared86 Overload & Overhaul

OVERLOAD

In case you didn't notice, directly above the posts we have a new section called "Bsquared86 Overload." What is it? It's my twitter updates! Want to catch up to the minute MFA updates? Loc Updates? Mid-day rants? Music raves? Random Babble? Take a peek at the Bsquared86 Overload or, better yet, follow me on Twitter!

I joined Twitter at the urging of one of my friends and now I'm hooked. It's like bite-size blogging, lol. I don't always have time to blog but twitter is literally at my fingertips 24/7 (thanks to my handy dandy I-phone).

I started to just get a personal twitter account for fam and friends but I decided to make it open, using my blog screenname, because I want to hear from YOU!

Yes, you!

you, at your work desk, sneaking on to blogspot . . .
and you, in the campus computer lab lollygagging when you should be writing a paper . . .
and you, newly natural/loc'd beauty or makeup newbie searching for tips . . .
and you, aspiring MFA student that checks your email every 5 minutes and answers every strange phone number with a bright and cheery voice . . .

I want to here from all of you!

I want to talk to you . . . hear how your day is going . . . answer your questions . . . laugh at your fave youtube video . . . and stay up to date with your various projects and journeys. So come on over to Twitter and make yourself comfortable. If you're already on there, send me a message!

OVERHAUL

If you've been around this little piece of the blogosphere in the past couple of days then I'm sure you've noticed that my blog look has changed quite a bit.

I loved my old pink-zebra background and smiling title banner/thingy but it was time for it to go! The pink wasn't rocking my socks anymore and the narrow page layout made pic croppin/resizing a pain. I was also tired of looking at myself with my TWA (read:teeny-weeny afro) when I've been loc'ing for 6 months now (WOOT!). So, yeah . . . I needed a change.

First, I was in love with a turquoise background but it didn't feel crisp enough (if that makes sense) and then I settled for a white background . . . but the white was a bit too bland. So, I decided to go back to black. It's easier on the eyes (and wattage, according to Blackle) and makes me feel all sleek and chic (ok . . . that was corny . . . I'm sorry, lol).

As usual . . . the banner was created by ME and I hope that you will respectfully leave it where it is (swiper, no swiping!).

Stay tuned for a few other structural changes . . . I'm currently at work on the sidebar . . . it feels both cluttered and empty to me, lol.

How do you like the new look? Hate it? Love it? Miss the old? Good riddance? Any suggestions? Helpful HTML tips? Leave me a comment or tweet me on twitter!

Greenlight! (MFA Update)

So, I asked 4 professors for recommendations a few weeks ago. 3 responded immediately (w/ a yes!). A couple of a weeks later I got a response from the fourth and she said

Huh? Say what now? As I read the email my heart started racing, anxiety started creeping, and my eyes started welling. I thought I was about to have a freaking panic attack.

Am I in the Twighlight Zone?

Yes, ya'll . . . she said no! Well, actually she said to ask someone else. But, hey, I know a "no" when I see a "no," lol.

I had to let this marinate for a few days.

I knew that it would be in my best interest not to respond to her immediately. I also knew that I had to respond. I went through a myriad of emotions- kind of like a break up. Outrage, denial, fear, hurt. Then, finally, acceptance. Her reasons for saying no were understandable- she has a criteria for recommending folks and, unfortunately, the last time I had her I fallen short. But, since I'd had her many times over the years and she knew me at my best and worst,

so even if you she couldn't rave about me as a student she could atleast mention my potential.

Right?

I sent her a reply as honest as her "no" because I had nothing to lose at this point. I admitted that I was not and probably will never be the best student. Told her what had been going on with my last year of undergrad, conceded that in the end I was just trying to graduate. But, I wanted her to understand that I love writing more than anything and that's why I'm pursuing the MFA. Thanked her and said I'd see her the next time I was around my alma mater.

A couple of hours later I had a "yes" w/ conditions.

She agreed to do a couple of my recs, but only those that didn't require a form. She didn't want to have to fudge any details about me as a student; just play up my strengths. Fine with me! lol.

So, all 4 were asked and all 4 said yes. This morning I sent out emails with basic info about myself and soon they will each reieve a package from me (Thanks to advice over at the MFA Blog, I decided to make this rec process as easy as posible for them by providing postage, envelopes, and forms).

Let the happy dancing commence, courtesy of John Legend's "Greenlight"

Oh, also, I was thinking about ways to thank them for helping me . . . what should I do? A thank you note doesn't seem personal enough. I saw mention on the MFA Blog about somebody sending their recommendors a copy of their favorite book. Well, I don't really have a fave book. I do, however, have a book that may have singlehandedly inspired me to write poetry in the first place. It's obscure and out of print. To amazon I go!

Finding My Happy Place + Manuscript Madness

Friday marked the 9th anniversary of my maternal grandmother's passing but I can still remember October 11, 1999 like it was yesterday. When I think of my life and my family, I tend to regard it as "Before she died" and "After she died" because so much changed with that single event, including my writing. Honestly, I didn’t even know that I was that close to my grandmother—I lived in Cali and she lived down south. I’d been traveling down there to visit her and other members of my family since I was about 2 months old and then, while I slept, she was gone.

I don’t know what to call what I went into when she died. A depression? Sounds way too harsh. I’ll just say I slipped into a little bit of darkness. Yeah, that’s it, darkness. I have a habit (that I’m trying to –scratch that- will break!) of slipping into darkness when bad things happen. I put on a smiley face and go through life looking unscathed but inside it’s all dark.

Anyway, when my grandmother died, poetry became such a release. I was able to pour out my feelings about her death. Things I couldn't say because I was supposed to be "strong" for everybody else. But, at 12, I wasn't strong enough . . . not at 13, not at 14 . . . hell, sometimes not at 21. Soon, I redirected that pain into other topics but they were all so sad and angry. And that’s what my poetry was, for a long time—sad and angry.

I kind of feel like Mary J. Blige—I do sad and angry so well that when I try to write about something else it feels foreign. Heart break, death, anxiety, abuse, deception, rejection—I reworked and twisted those things a million different ways. Didn’t help that I had a lot of hurt come my way to feed that fire—but that’s another blog, lol.

So, what does this have to do with applying to MFAs?

When I look back at the 300+ poems I’ve written since 1999, I feel like I’ve outgrown them. Okay, clearly, I’ve outgrown the really early ones, lol. But, even the more recent work doesn’t feel right. I don’t think they represent my potential and I don’t really want to include any of it in my manuscript (for applications).

In my CW classes this fall, I’ve written a variety of poems. None of them really give off warm and fuzzy feelings but I don’t necessarily want to write “warm and fuzzy” poems—I just want to be able to show that I’m versatile. Like, MJB, I want to show the people (including the MFA readers) that I can do nice and happy just as well as I do sad and angry, lol. I’ve tried, ya’ll, I mean really tried to write poetry that didn’t possess just a tinge of darkness. I can count those poems on just a few fingers and half of them were written about things that glittered like gold but ended up worth no more than a tin can, lol.

I’m the kind of poet that just lets the poem flow and go where it needs to go and say what it needs to say—I don’t force anything on it or start with any real plans. But, sometimes, if I’m writing and I feel myself slipping into a sour tone, I just stop. I know, I know . . . I should just let it flow. But, damn, it gets boring! And, I don’t always want to relive the pain it takes to make the voice real. You know what I mean?

Example:

I just wrote a poem about “Autumn.” Easy, right? It starts off nice—pretty colors of sunsets, football games, leaves falling. But, WHAM, suddenly it slips into not so nice stuff—poverty and decay. So, I stopped . . . I bumped that part to the bottom of my word doc and tried to begin that section again. But, nothing worked. So, I conceded and picked up where I left off. My prof and some classmates liked it. For me, it was bittersweet. I was proud of it but mad at it at the same time. I wish I could have written something else, but I don't know what else I could have written.

Oh, the passion of poetry!

It’s not that I am not a happy person because I am. I'm always laughing, smiling, joking around. But, I guess, it’s difficult for me to pull from those good things and inject more positive images into my poetry.

Any thoughts? Suggestions? Similar issues?

Overprotective + Enough is Enough

First, thank you to everyone that has commented on my blog (all 4 of you!). You all have truly inspired me and kept me motivated! Sometimes I just come here and read your words and I feel better, honestly. Not many people understand what I'm trying to do here and it feels good to see that you do! I have become a major blog surfer these days and, of course, I read the blogs of those that comment here and I try to comment where I can. Special thanks to Blu, my most recent commenter, because one of her posts has inspired this one!

Overprotective

Okay, so . . . my UCLA ext. course starts on Wednesday . . . how exciting?! And nerve wracking!

My issue can basically be summed up to be STAGE FRIGHT . . . despite the lack of stage, lol. I have never liked exposing my poetry to the world. They're like my babies and I don't like the feeling of sending them out there, defenseless into this cruel and critical world! It took me a while to even post my poetry in my myspace blog (which has all but dried up over the past year or so) and I've only got one (count it- 1) poetry reading/spoken word experience under my belt. My only real experience with a workshop like setting was my creative writing class last fall, we would write in class and go around the room and share or write away from class and bring it in to share. All of the experiences ended up being pleasurable in the end (my prof was a tough critic but also a free spirit and no one in the class wanted to breathe a bad word about another's work for fear of retaliation when their turn rolled around). I got an A and wrote some pretty good stuff in the class. I thought I had gotten over my anxiety about sharing my work with others on such a large scale (if you can consider 30 people large) but it's all coming back to me now. This online class where I can't see any faces or hear any whispers and giggles, worried me more than that class ever did!

The syllabus requires that we not only post our own assignments for class critique and comments but that we comment and critique everyone else's work too! YIKES! I know that some of you are reading this and thinking, "Okay, girl . . . that's what MFAs are all about! That's what writing is all about!" and I know that, but can't a sista have her reservations? lol. Anyway, I went to the course roster and facebook'd a few (ok, all) of my classmates-- I thought it would make me feel better to put faces to names and personalize the experience. I only had a few hits which leads me to believe that the majority of them are older students. I googled my professor, listened to her reading some poetry online and read her list of accolades and impressive bio. These tasks didn't really make me feel any better, lol. But, we'll see.

Enough is Enough

Somebody once told me that if you love reading then being an english major will spoil that for you, because you'll read so much and spend so much time analyzing text that you'll forget how to love literature. Fortunately, for me, I didn't lose my love for reading (though I did slack off on my leisure reading while in school) and I was a pretty good english student. Anyway, I'm a little afraid that trying to get into these writing programs will ruin my love of writing--- I'll spend so much time critiquing and worrying about whether my poems are good enough that I'll turn against writing just because of the stress!

I don't want to compete, I want to write!

The idea of being "good enough" for an MFA program enters my mind daily, sometimes hourly depending on my stress level. After reading about other people's journeys to MFAs and MFA graduates and I start to feel second best-- I don't have the experience in workshops and writing or publishing record that some of them mention. Very many of them are older, perhaps wiser than I am-- they woke up one day and found themselves in a career that they hated and realised that their love was writing and took steps towards getting an MFA. Not very many fresh out of college folks like me with such limited exposure to the writing world-- or at least not that I've found. Have I lived enough to write good stuff? Am I dedicated enough? Well-read enough? Smart enough? Confident, creative, or cunning enough?

I am so tired of worrying!

I used to be a much more confident person (academically) before college entered my life, lol. No worries about not passing a class or doing well on an assignment-- especially when it came to writing! But, college brought on tough professors and excellent writers as my peers. And pressure, pressure, pressure!

I keep telling myself that enough is enough, it's time to take the reins of this thing-- I need to stop questioning my right to be in an MFA program or be a writer! I know what I love to do and all I'm trying to do is hone my craft like everybody else out there-- I'm not second best, I'm just different! My experiences are unique to those around me but make me no less qualified.

RIGHT?

Parental Control

Quick Update:

I am officially enrolled in an online course through the UCLA Extension! Yay!


When I told my mom about it, she just said, "Okay, tell your dad about it when he gets home." Well, clearly, I've been away from home too long and I forgot the old "ask your father" trick, lol, because I approached my dad rather randomly when he got home. Knowing my Pops, I should have approached with more caution. I told him about the class and then I tried to approach the money issue with a with a tinge of humor

Me:"So, I was wondering if you could give me a scholarship for it?" *smiling*
Him: "Huh . . .What?"

and when that didn't work I tried to lay out my spiel about recs and manuscripts (but, I fear that I was being overshadowed by the Raiders game). Then, when I tried to explain the price difference between the Non-Credit and Credit versions of the course, he basically cut me off every time,

Him: "Is it transferable?"
Me: "It can be. But, it depends on the--"
Him: "Get to the point . . . it CAN be transferred to your masters program?"
Me: "Yes, it can be transferred but--"
Him:"I'm not asking all of that . . . It makes no sense to take a class that can't be transferred. I'm not paying for anything so you can have something to do for fun . . . You can go read a book."

For fun? Writing maybe fun (as is spending money) but nothing is fun about the stress I'm under! I wish I could just read a book and have all I need to get into an MFA but unfortunately that is not the case, Pops! But, for my safety and future in academia, I kept those clever quips to myself and just said yes to everything he asked me until I had secured payment, lol. And that wasn't my dad being mean . . . that was just my dad being my dad and that's why I love him.

Here We Go Again!

quick note on abbr: Master of Fine Arts (MFA); Community College (CC); Creative Writing (CW)

After 4 years of high school and 4 years in college, I think it's time to finally admit something to myself that others (namely folks that were close to me during my senior years at the prep and hu) have known all along . . .

I GET STRESSED OUT QUICKLY

I'm talking at drop of a hat, in a snap, in a flash, before you can blink, faster than a speeding bullet, from 0-60 in .5 seconds, "it's a bird, it's a plane . . . no, it's Bsquared86 screaming through the halls" quickly.

But, somehow, I've always performed relatively well through the stress, no matter the source. Be it family, friends, loves, professors, employers, extracurriculars, or academia- I do what I need to do to get through it. That is until grad school started looming on the horizon of my college career-- that's when I realized that, though I may perform well under stress, it just wasn't worth it at the time. Piling the stress of trying to decide what I would do after I graduated on top of the already daunting task of ensuring that I did, indeed, graduate was just too much. So, on one fateful day in late winter (February 19, 2008 to be exact), I decided that I would take a year off between undergrad and grad school. TA DA! Stress gone. I felt freer than a blue bird, I swear! I figured that by the time application season rolled around again I'd be able to handle the stress of applications, recommendations, portfolios, manuscripts, essays, and such because I'd be at home in LA with the hassle of graduating behind me. It would be a breeze . . .

AU CONTRAIRE

It's about 5 am here in LA and I haven't been asleep yet. For folks that know me, you're probably thinking, "And? This is what you do." and you're right. Not sleeping like a regular human being IS what I do, unfortunately, I am not up simply because I am not sleepy-- I am up and

STRESSING THE HELL OUT ABOUT GRAD SCHOOL!

Granted, not as stressed as I was back in late 07 and early 08 . . . but stressed all the same. Why?

• I need to get on my recommendation game, I only have 2 professors that I would like to ask for recs and I need 3 for most programs. Also, I need somebody familiar with my creative writing . . . why not just ask the only CW professor at my Alma mater, you say? Well, because he is intimidating as hell and already turned me away once for not having a good manuscript together or a substantial list of poets that I read (and I can't blame him, but DAMN!).
• I don't think that my "manuscript" or "portfolio" or "whatevertheadmissionpacketwantstocallit" are up to par. I mean, some of these MFA programs only accept 2,3, maybe 4 new poetry students a year so our "samples" have to be superb to say the least. They need to see both potential and promise- potential meaning that they feel that you will do well in the program and promise meaning that they feel that you will do well after the program. And, I don't know if my little amateur poems can do all that . . . YET.

Thanks to the MFA Blog, Poets & Writers, and a host of other online resources, I have learned that I can remedy this lack of recs as well as beef up my creative sample by enrolling in Creative Writing Workshops/Courses! GREAT! The course that I really want to get into hosted by UCLA is freakin expensive for just one course so I'm enrolling in an online CW course @ a community college around my way-- it's only like 20 bucks a credit/unit so it wouldn't hurt. So, I have clearly identified my stressors and a solution, right? So, all should be well.

BUT (isn't there always a but?)

Something in my heart is telling me to beg, borrow, and steal my way into this UCLA course-- mainly because it actually focuses on poetry but also because it comes highly recommended and is widely recognized while my course at the CC is a general CW and in the end is just a course at a CC (not that I think it will be easy, b/c I am sure it will not). It costs damn near 10x the amount of the CC course and I'm nervous about asking my folks for the dough (I have to pay upfront, so no time to wait until after I get a job and can pay myself as I have planned to do with the CC class). I know that they're probably already struggling with what exactly an MFA is and why on earth I am even wasting time on becoming a writer (though I have that ambition hidden under the cleverly orchestrated guise of becoming an English professor) and now, this? An expensive writing course that doesn't really guarantee anything?

my mom gets back from Louisiana tonight, so I'm going to ask them while we munch on a tasty welcome home dinner . . . let's pray that they don't laugh in my face, lol.

::au revoir::

I'm back + Adventures in Lazytown

Okay . . . I know . . . I know . . . I totally suck at this . . . but after a 5 month absence, I'm back! Mostly I'm back because I stumbled across a few blogs that fancied my interested and I've been posting comments on them and reading them regularly so I figured . . . why couldn't this be me?

So, if anybody is reading this . . . please thank . . .

• Those That Can't Do by my good friend, Ms. Brown. She's a newbie in the blog world too, chronicling her first year as a teacher and, in my honest opinion, she's funny as hell.

• mFA Weblog by a few good folks. Where, oh where was this blog when I was slowly losing my mind trying to understand Master's of Fine Arts Programs in Creative Writing last year? I'm so happy I found it.

• Afrobella by a beautiful sista that loves hair, makeup, skin care, shopping, and entertainment. She's an incredible writer and apparently a force to be reckoned with in the blog world!

I read a grip (read:"a lot") of other blogs as well, but that list would take forever. These are my current faves and major inspiration right now.

Adventures in Lazytown

As I mentioned in my first post, I'm taking a year off between undergrad and grad school and though I am very happy about that decision I am starting to suffer from "busy envy." Most of my friends are doing things with their lives even if it's the same thing they've been doing for years. The point is that for the first time in my life, I'm not doing a dag on thing but living. I knew that the moment would come that I'd be watching my friends go to grad school and I'd think, "Man, I should have just went on ahead and went to whatever school accepted me!"-- I just didn't know that it would be this hard to fight these feelings of "loserdom." I have been utterly and unapologetically lazy this summer . . . but, my folks haven't complained (yet). I want to get a job but I need some wheels first (long story).

But, anyway, I did what was best for me . . . I honestly can say that I know more about where I want to go to school and what kind of MFA program I want to get into than I did back in the winter when application season was ending and deadlines were taunting me. So, I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting starting grad school in Fall 09 (or Summer 09). The only thing between me and grad school is these dag on applications! Arggh . . . essays and samples and recommendations, oh no! As a matter of fact, I need to be sending out very flattering and sincere emails to old professors now to beg them to write a few (or 15) glowing recommendations . . . *crosses fingers*

Welcome!

I loved to read, I really do! But after almost 4 years of being an english major I think I've read more than most human beings. I also love to write, something that hasn't always been easy to do over the past few years due to my classworkload.

So, I'm taking a year off between undergrad and grad school (scary, I know) to figure out just what it is I want to do with my life and, most importantly, write to my hearts content. In an effort to assist in getting my writing out there I've started this blog.

This is about my 3rd time trying to blog publicly (outside of myspace). Everytime I start one, I chicken out and erase it, afraid that people won't like what they read or even care for that matter. But, as they say, 3rd times a charm.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention what I write. Let's see, um, I write everything and anything. I'll pretty much give every genre a shot but during this year (or so) of time before grad school I hope to explore my poetry more.

Wish Me Luck!